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Starting a new blog tomorrow, twenty twenty didn't win, 2020lost.blogspot.com

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I had the worst anxiety last night. I couldn't sleep well because my stomach was in knots. All because of something I have little control over. I don't know if I said, but my counselor believes I have ptsd. It fits. Christmas was good though. They didn't pick up garbage last week. I've been trying to keep busy. My skin is so messed up. I'm lonely. Today is the full moon. I should really be doing things but I'm exhausted and need to rest.

122320

Have been so busy. I'm tired. 

121520

Good good good. Much yes. Very happy. 

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I've been writing, drawing, playing my guitar. Started back to work, it's really quiet. They're partially shutting us down again but we're not losing any hours. Haven't been overeating. Things are pretty good and I'm not used to it. Lots more to say but who's reading this, anyway. 

120120

So I got 15/100 pages of my novel. There's like a foot or so of snow, all since last night. I'm really struggling. Kenzie is such an asshole, I don't even want to get into it. I got cleared to go back to work but I honestly don't know if I'm ready for it emotionally, but whenever they want to put me on the schedule I'll be there. Set the tree up. Bought some stuff I will need/will enjoy. Trying to get in the spirit because I'm seriously depressed with this single mom shit. He's awesome, I'm shit. Mom and dad take care of him more than me and mom still does more around here than she reasonably should. And I can see it taking a toll and it kills me. Then all the drama with Kenzie's fucking rights. And I'm just so stressed out I want to run away. I've been crying. And I know it'll be rewarding when I get things more under control but I feel so worthless right now. 

112120

It's been kinda crazy. First, my youngest niece had to get tested. It was positive, so her parents and sisters got tested. My brother and sister in law are positive, the girls were negative. Then my other brother tested positive. Thought my parents, the baby and I would have to get tested but they said without symptoms not to because there's a limited amount of tests. Then today, my mom was talking on the phone and started crying like crazy. The older of my brothers went to the hospital because he couldn't breathe. We were so scared. They did a couple tests and gave him a steroid and prescription for an inhaler. Told him to go back if it got worse. I'm still very concerned about everyone. I've been praying. I really hope everyone gets better and nobody else gets sick. 

111120

I'm struggling. But I'm doing my best to fight through it. It's been unseasonably warm lately, but that seems to be over. My thoughts are a bit scattered. I've been writing every night, although not as much as I need to in order to get a novel out by the end of the month. But that's okay, too. The world is strange. 

110120

Got to come home on my birthday. It was the best ever. Didn't do much yesterday. Today, kenzie and his mom came over for a while. It snowed a bit. Have a few appointments this week. Going to participate in nanowrimo. Today, Neil is two weeks old. I hope I'm good enough to be his mom. I'm trying to get better. 

102820

Went to the emergency room Saturday night for chest pain and vomiting. When they took my blood pressure, it was so high I thought I was going to die (200 on top). They put me in the ICU. They started me on oxygen and blood pressure medication, along with something for seizures. Monday, they transferred me to a regular room in the ante partum section. It's Wednesday and I'm still on oxygen. They weren't even going to let me shower. They have lowered it. I miss Neil so much. And kenzie wants to take him this weekend. What a joke. My neck hurts and they blew out my vein. I keep crying. This is so hard.

101820

At 7am, I officially became a mother. They induced me early because of preeclampsia. They started the process Friday night after I had a blood pressure that was too high. So I haven't had much sleep and little to eat this weekend. Not sure yet when we'll be able to go home. I'm still really sore and just want sleep, a shower, and some food. 

100820

Going to the dr every week now. About a month left, give or take. Really tired all the time. Tried to renew my medical because I got a letter saying I have to. I called them and they just said to fill out the paperwork. What a waste of time. I feel sick pretty much every day too. I've been reading. Had some problems with my blood pressure but it seems okay now. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. My skin is very unhappy. I want to cry and I'm just irritated with everything, especially him. And no I don't mean Neil or dad... Korra somehow got fleas. I usually find none but she's ripping her fur out. I could really go for someone to just hold me for a while, but I don't think that's a possibility. 

092820

I'm in pain because hormones, so my brain decides its a good time to relive emotional trauma. I should be sleeping. I wonder who I would've been if things had turned out differently. But I guess it doesn't matter, I can only move forward, apparently. Things aren't even that bad, I guess. 

092220

My feet are so swollen. My blood pressure is high. My knees hurt. I just want to cry.

090420

I have a lot of anxiety. I want to be a better person but I'm not very motivated to work on things. Got a couple hours off work today, paid even. I'm sick of being lonely. But I don't want to settle. Only a couple more months of being pregnant. I can't wait to meet you, baby Neil. But I don't want you to come just yet. Called to sign up for wic finally. I'm not doing horrible, really, I just feel like I'm not good enough and I'd like to balance it out.

082520

Guess it's been a bit. Kenzie told mom that at first he'll just come over here to see Neil. So that's quite a relief if it's true. I'm in the third trimester now. I feel like I'm not ready but I'm sure as hell going to do my best. I'm sick of being lonely. I'm a bit depressed but mostly I have little motivation. I've been trying to read, at least. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and have my life in order. I'm tired a lot. Work is tough but I'm going to stick it out as long as I can. I also don't plan on taking too much off if I can help it. I just want to be a good person and I struggle with it a lot. But I guess I could be worse, too. And nobody's perfect. 

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I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I find myself questioning my self. I spend most of my time doing things and I don't know why or how I got like this. I don't know if I'm ready for the future. I feel like my personality is too much. The world is a scary place and I just try to do my best. I should be sleeping right now, but I'm not. I don't know what I mean. 

071920

Started back to work at 50%. It's pretty tough. I pulled my groin. I hate the heat. I've been reading a bit more. I feel like crap. Not much else.

061720

Waiting for my new phone. Found out today, baby is a boy. Gonna name him Neil. Jc is still missing, probably gonna get a new cat or kitten. I don't have much to say.

060920

Just felt like I should put something here. Aunt Ruth is visiting. Hopefully finding out what I'm having next week. The doctor's office wants me to drink 140 oz of water a day. They're going to get more blood work too. I ordered a new phone because this one's getting pretty glitchy sometimes. I got really sad that my plant died the other day. Jc is still missing. I've been okay other than that. They increased my meds a little. I read some more in the library book. I still have a few chapters to go. And the other one I started, plus I have some new ones. Need to keep working on my diamond picture too.

052320

I haven't been as depressed the last few days knock on wood. Found about 10 four leaf clovers today. Been working on the diamond picture. Read a book on intuition. Listening to music. Writing a bit.

043020

Mostly, I've just been eating, sleeping, and wasting time. I have intentions of doing things, but I'm so tired. I want to go back to work. I need to finish my book. I have projects to work on. Sometimes I think about Kenzie and I just cry. I don't know what I'm doing but I'm trying to be good for the baby.

041420

Stressed out.

Wrote a little. Colored a bit. Hit the punching bag until my knuckles cracked. Read a couple chapters. Sang all of Nirvana unplugged. Have been antisocializing most of the day. If I would've known today would be crazy, I would've made a counseling appointment for this week. Being harassed in more ways than one. Took a bath. Showered yesterday.

032820

Work shut down because of the coronavirus. Saw the obgyn yesterday. There's really a baby in there. Due Nov 5. Kenzie is stressing me out. He goes weeks without saying anything, asks if I want to get back together, changes his mind. Now he thinks the baby should live with him. I think he needs to get his act together and knock off his nonsense.

030920

Took 2 pregnancy tests. They were both positive. I'm really nervous about everything. I see the doctor in like 2 ½ weeks. I'm really tired today.

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He blocked me.

022920

I've had cramps for over a week. I slept a lot today. Read yesterday after not for a bit. I'm irritated for no reason. Kenzie is still the sweetest guy ever. I'm really emotional- I feel like I'm about to cry and I just can't. I need to do laundry. Made some conditioner and body spray yesterday, it was interesting.

022120

Things are going well. They just hired a new shelver. I'm going to the writing festival in ravenna tomorrow. Supposed to start working on a new song today. Have been reading and writing a little. I have extra shifts this month and next. I like my counselor. Kenzie is amazing. 

021220

I've read a bit, not in the Latin book because it's difficult, but in the novel I checked out. I got new glasses, they're nice. I have counseling later. I gotta go to work in a few, but I figured I'd put something on here real quick. Things are good. My biggest problem is my anxiety, but I'm doing my best to deal with it. I don't have much to say, really. Work is still good, Kenzie is amazing. My health is okay.

020620

I started reading another book, so I'm now trying to juggle 4, plus I have some on standby. There was some freezing rain, so I had to scrape off my car after work. Cheryl helped me. I took some Valentines in for everyone. There's a lot going on in my head lately. I'm trying to fight off my demons. I painted a picture last night. On my way to work, I heard the end of blue moon and I almost started crying. Kenzie is the greatest. I just want to be in love with him for the rest of our lives, and I pray that will be several decades... I need him in my life. I got a double fortune cookie today (yesterday). I'm so glad to be sober. I pray for things to stay as good (or better!) as they are now. I pray for the strength to make it through troubles if they arise. I pray our dreams come true.

020320

This is going to work. We're in love, i tell you. Absolutely head over heels. Soulmates

*Knock on wood*

He respects me. He's perfect.

020220

I don't think I'll read as much as I hoped this year, but that's okay, I'm still reading here and there. The date was wonderful, and he's so great it's unreal. I have to reschedule my counseling appointment because I switched shifts so I can see him again, but things are going well knock on wood so it should be okay.

Had a spa night last night after Ash's birthday dinner, it was really nice. I got a new succulent, named her Corinthia, not entirely sure why. 

Went to the store. My phone was acting crazy. I played with rainbows. I made a song. I lit a candle. It was very nice. I felt everything very strongly. I took care of myself.  I'm so in love. It's surreal.

013120

I picked out my new glasses today. I waited an hour and probably would've been longer if I didn't say something at half an hour. I'm meeting this guy tonight, I'm really nervous and kind of excited. He seems great, but after everything that's happened, I'm a little skeptical. I just keep trying to tell myself it'll be okay. I did finally read yesterday. I think I might take a quick nap.

012920

Maybe I read and write more when things are bad. Music is good all the time. I can't believe it's almost Feb. I don't have much I want to say, I just realized I hadn't put anything on here in a bit. I'm getting new glasses Fri.

012220

I had a lot of good dreams last night, but I don't really remember them now. One of my coworkers got a promotion so we're going to get a new person soon. I need to read today, I didn't yesterday and I'm not sure about the day before. I checked out an audiobook on Latin. I've been listening to music a lot. I almost passed out Monday. I need a new car. I think I'm going to record some of my poems.

011920

I'm pretty depressed, but I'm trying to push through it. I'm going to church again. I don't know if I'll ever get it. My back hurts. I saw a new counselor, she seems ok so far. I'm having my makeup singing lesson tomorrow. It's finally acting like winter. I just want to find my place in the world. I haven't been writing and I don't remember if I read yesterday. I didn't want to get dressed today, but I did. I don't know what else to say right now.

011520

I didn't plan on being awake yet. My thoughts are buzzy. There are things I could be doing but I'm trying to enjoy the quiet (except there's traffic so it's not really quiet). I have a lot on my mind, all the time. I've been having dreams that would've scared me before but now they just are. I somehow ended up with a pretty busy week. But I don't want to be bored, so I'll take it. I should probably just keep a journal since I doubt anyone reads this, but maybe one day, someone will. I wrote again yesterday, a poem. I like writing.

011320

Entered a poetry contest today.

I either want to go back to school, start volunteering again, or get a second job.

Got kind of a busy week ahead. Today was the first day I didn't get the urge to write in over a week.

Just trying to do better.

I won't let this depression win.

011220

I asked God to never be hurt again, and I heard a clap of thunder and my light flickered out. I said, "you heard me?" and there was another clap of thunder. I've written an album's worth of poems in the last week, plus blogging and the story for the program Friday. All this while losing my mind, holding it together somehow because I have to. 

I like the date.

011120

Had a bit of a psychotic break yesterday. Kept it together somehow. Guess that medication was doing more harm than good. Stopped taking it. Spent more time writing, reading, engaging with music. Watched some videos. There's a full moon. Got a nightgown. Is there anyone out there? It's rainy and supposed to be warm and windy today. I'm remembering who I used to be, and figuring out if it still fits me. Time Will tell.

010920

Started reading a new book today.  Wrote a poem. Had to leave work early because I had a panic attack. First time I've missed any since May. Sang a lot. Talked some things out. My first kiss, yeah, it's her birthday today. Haven't heard from her in years, but it's okay. Thinking about getting another tattoo. I think I've lost some weight. Took a short nap.

010820

Been on a crazy emotional rollercoaster ride. Insomnia hardcore. Paranoia, mood swings. But I'm still getting my things done that need to be done (eating is tough and sleeping obviously- maybe I should've gotten stoned but I'm about that sober life). I've been social and creative, though, which I adore. Also trying to quit smoking, I'm about half and half (patch in the morning, then cigarettes at night). For some reason, I can never meet romantic interests in person, and the ones I meet online want to go too fast.

010620

Officially single again. I can't date anyone because I'm interested in this one guy and no matter how hard I try, nobody seems to measure up, which is kinda crazy because I don't know him real well. But I keep trying to fight it and I instead of going away, I actually thought to myself the other day that I love him. I don't know what to do. I could really use some stronger guidance than I'm getting. I cried a few times at work today, but I made it through. I'm trying to quit smoking, but I took the patch off early and had one so far. Will try again tomorrow. I'm going through a lot of stuff and it's tough, but I guess that's what I'm built for. I'm scared that this won't work out, but what if it does?

010520

I've had a lot of energy lately. I don't know if it's too much or if it's okay. I've been trying to be productive with it, though, besides the few days when I had a cold, I tried to take it easy. Does anyone read this? Do I care? Things are good and it's scary, but I'm trying to go with it and enjoy life while I can.