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Starting a new blog tomorrow, twenty twenty didn't win, 2020lost.blogspot.com

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I had the worst anxiety last night. I couldn't sleep well because my stomach was in knots. All because of something I have little control over. I don't know if I said, but my counselor believes I have ptsd. It fits. Christmas was good though. They didn't pick up garbage last week. I've been trying to keep busy. My skin is so messed up. I'm lonely. Today is the full moon. I should really be doing things but I'm exhausted and need to rest.

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Have been so busy. I'm tired. 

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Good good good. Much yes. Very happy. 

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I've been writing, drawing, playing my guitar. Started back to work, it's really quiet. They're partially shutting us down again but we're not losing any hours. Haven't been overeating. Things are pretty good and I'm not used to it. Lots more to say but who's reading this, anyway. 

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So I got 15/100 pages of my novel. There's like a foot or so of snow, all since last night. I'm really struggling. Kenzie is such an asshole, I don't even want to get into it. I got cleared to go back to work but I honestly don't know if I'm ready for it emotionally, but whenever they want to put me on the schedule I'll be there. Set the tree up. Bought some stuff I will need/will enjoy. Trying to get in the spirit because I'm seriously depressed with this single mom shit. He's awesome, I'm shit. Mom and dad take care of him more than me and mom still does more around here than she reasonably should. And I can see it taking a toll and it kills me. Then all the drama with Kenzie's fucking rights. And I'm just so stressed out I want to run away. I've been crying. And I know it'll be rewarding when I get things more under control but I feel so worthless right now. 

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It's been kinda crazy. First, my youngest niece had to get tested. It was positive, so her parents and sisters got tested. My brother and sister in law are positive, the girls were negative. Then my other brother tested positive. Thought my parents, the baby and I would have to get tested but they said without symptoms not to because there's a limited amount of tests. Then today, my mom was talking on the phone and started crying like crazy. The older of my brothers went to the hospital because he couldn't breathe. We were so scared. They did a couple tests and gave him a steroid and prescription for an inhaler. Told him to go back if it got worse. I'm still very concerned about everyone. I've been praying. I really hope everyone gets better and nobody else gets sick. 

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I'm struggling. But I'm doing my best to fight through it. It's been unseasonably warm lately, but that seems to be over. My thoughts are a bit scattered. I've been writing every night, although not as much as I need to in order to get a novel out by the end of the month. But that's okay, too. The world is strange. 

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Got to come home on my birthday. It was the best ever. Didn't do much yesterday. Today, kenzie and his mom came over for a while. It snowed a bit. Have a few appointments this week. Going to participate in nanowrimo. Today, Neil is two weeks old. I hope I'm good enough to be his mom. I'm trying to get better. 

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Went to the emergency room Saturday night for chest pain and vomiting. When they took my blood pressure, it was so high I thought I was going to die (200 on top). They put me in the ICU. They started me on oxygen and blood pressure medication, along with something for seizures. Monday, they transferred me to a regular room in the ante partum section. It's Wednesday and I'm still on oxygen. They weren't even going to let me shower. They have lowered it. I miss Neil so much. And kenzie wants to take him this weekend. What a joke. My neck hurts and they blew out my vein. I keep crying. This is so hard.

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At 7am, I officially became a mother. They induced me early because of preeclampsia. They started the process Friday night after I had a blood pressure that was too high. So I haven't had much sleep and little to eat this weekend. Not sure yet when we'll be able to go home. I'm still really sore and just want sleep, a shower, and some food. 

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Going to the dr every week now. About a month left, give or take. Really tired all the time. Tried to renew my medical because I got a letter saying I have to. I called them and they just said to fill out the paperwork. What a waste of time. I feel sick pretty much every day too. I've been reading. Had some problems with my blood pressure but it seems okay now. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. My skin is very unhappy. I want to cry and I'm just irritated with everything, especially him. And no I don't mean Neil or dad... Korra somehow got fleas. I usually find none but she's ripping her fur out. I could really go for someone to just hold me for a while, but I don't think that's a possibility. 

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I'm in pain because hormones, so my brain decides its a good time to relive emotional trauma. I should be sleeping. I wonder who I would've been if things had turned out differently. But I guess it doesn't matter, I can only move forward, apparently. Things aren't even that bad, I guess. 

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My feet are so swollen. My blood pressure is high. My knees hurt. I just want to cry.

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I have a lot of anxiety. I want to be a better person but I'm not very motivated to work on things. Got a couple hours off work today, paid even. I'm sick of being lonely. But I don't want to settle. Only a couple more months of being pregnant. I can't wait to meet you, baby Neil. But I don't want you to come just yet. Called to sign up for wic finally. I'm not doing horrible, really, I just feel like I'm not good enough and I'd like to balance it out.

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Guess it's been a bit. Kenzie told mom that at first he'll just come over here to see Neil. So that's quite a relief if it's true. I'm in the third trimester now. I feel like I'm not ready but I'm sure as hell going to do my best. I'm sick of being lonely. I'm a bit depressed but mostly I have little motivation. I've been trying to read, at least. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and have my life in order. I'm tired a lot. Work is tough but I'm going to stick it out as long as I can. I also don't plan on taking too much off if I can help it. I just want to be a good person and I struggle with it a lot. But I guess I could be worse, too. And nobody's perfect. 

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I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I find myself questioning my self. I spend most of my time doing things and I don't know why or how I got like this. I don't know if I'm ready for the future. I feel like my personality is too much. The world is a scary place and I just try to do my best. I should be sleeping right now, but I'm not. I don't know what I mean. 

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Started back to work at 50%. It's pretty tough. I pulled my groin. I hate the heat. I've been reading a bit more. I feel like crap. Not much else.

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Waiting for my new phone. Found out today, baby is a boy. Gonna name him Neil. Jc is still missing, probably gonna get a new cat or kitten. I don't have much to say.

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Just felt like I should put something here. Aunt Ruth is visiting. Hopefully finding out what I'm having next week. The doctor's office wants me to drink 140 oz of water a day. They're going to get more blood work too. I ordered a new phone because this one's getting pretty glitchy sometimes. I got really sad that my plant died the other day. Jc is still missing. I've been okay other than that. They increased my meds a little. I read some more in the library book. I still have a few chapters to go. And the other one I started, plus I have some new ones. Need to keep working on my diamond picture too.